I found myself wondering while reading this: what's so bad about well-behaved kids? It felt like you were conflating "well-behaved" with repressed or harshly-parented.
Like this line: "I want to see kids who take against injustice, who know how to ride the waves of their feelings instead of trying to contain them."
Can there be kids who know how to ride the waves of their feelings, to truly feel their feelings, and still be well-behaved? I guess I would hope the answer is "yes" because that's how I'm aspiring to parent.
I see being "well-behaved" as, in some respect, simply kids having the self-control and self-awareness that allow them to treat others around them with respect and courtesy because the kids are not at the mercy of their own impulses and whims. I want my kids to be well-behaved not to be a "shiny happy family" but so that they can treat others well and have the discipline to pursue their own goals and interests.
I'd love to hear your thoughts/pushback on all of this. Thanks for the interesting post.
I'm sorry it's taken me a bit to reply. I was actually quite ill when your comment came through! I agree with you that well-behaved kids are not a problem. There is, however, a mold that our society casts that is very difficult for some children to fit, and if you have or with with one of those kids, it can be difficult not to get sucked into trying them to behave rather than working to identify what they are struggling with and helping them build those skills. For example, but interrupting others is incredibly challenging for a child who lacks impulse control. Society expects that most kids master this by a certain age because most kids develop impulse control by a certain age. But not all. And those kids get marked as disruptive. It is very frequently viewed as a behavior issue. I hope that helps clarify. I absolutely believe in teaching children kindness and helping them develop the skills they need to function it in the world, but framing it as behavior and misbehavior misses the mark.
I really appreciate the clarification. I definitely understand your point that there are many kids who don't "behave well" because they don't have the skills, not because they are choosing to "misbehave." I think as a society we're still trying to find a balance between, as parents, helping to hold high expectations for kids and equipping them with the skills they need vs. accepting kids' limitations and being gracious with them and with each other as parents.
Interesting that your response came today as I just published a newsletter this week all about realizing that I was probably holding one of my kids to unrealistic expectations because of the nature of their disability. Here's the link: https://notjustmyown.substack.com/p/why-cant-you-just-stop?r=1ezccm
It was vulnerable to write and share but I'd be very curious to hear your thoughts as it seems you've thought deeply about this.
Had a discussion with my fellow HSP parents last night, and this was a WHOLE MOOD. As highly sensitive parents, we are complicated beings -- we can be deeply kind when we're resourced, or deeply frustrated and frustrating when we're not. At the same time, we seek to smooth out our children's experiences, sometimes in ways that aren't all that helpful to their development, because we struggle with their tantrums, and with other people's reactions to them. It's quite a tangle. But every word of this resonated. To have the courage to allow our children to be like the ocean, we desperately need these timely reminders that we don't have to ride the waves alone. Grateful for this.
I just realized I never responded to this - there's been a lot of sickness in our house lately and sometimes things get lost in the shuffle. But thank you for commenting. I'm so glad my eyes resonated and glad to connect. You're right, it is quite a tangle we find ourselves in. I'm also glad I don't have to ride the waves alone. I value the community I see growing here.
Especially for those of us with sweet and sensitive neurodivergent kids. Our culture's message of being kind only lands on the ears of the most sensitive kids already primed to meet the needs of others and self introspect.
The child who cares for their siblings like a mother. The child who gets a job at 10 and gives their earnings back to the family does not come out of the family better for it. They get eaten alive when they hit adulthood in our narcissist cultivating culture.
Let me very clear, all this does is make them into echoists (people pleasers), who then end up in relationships care taking of the narcissists. They serve narcissistic bosses, spouses, children, while thinking if they do enough internal work to fix themselves it will fix the issues.
Spoiler alert for all of you out there like this, YOU ARE NOT THE ISSUE.
We must allow our most sensitive children to be whom they are naturally supposed to be. This is a key part to finding and reaching their full potential.
My parents think I have done a horrible job because my kids don't seek to serve their emotional needs.
I think my grandparents did a horrible parenting job and then saddled me with their coddled, immature narcissistic grown a** children. I AM DONE WITH THAT. I did more than my fair share of serving up. I learned my lesson and it is I am not passing that down.
YES. This dynamic is so prevalent. Sensitive kids are prone to people pleasing (at least in this cultural landscape), and much of mainstream parenting and schooling just reinforce this. I'm right there with you, working to disrupt that pattern.
I found myself wondering while reading this: what's so bad about well-behaved kids? It felt like you were conflating "well-behaved" with repressed or harshly-parented.
Like this line: "I want to see kids who take against injustice, who know how to ride the waves of their feelings instead of trying to contain them."
Can there be kids who know how to ride the waves of their feelings, to truly feel their feelings, and still be well-behaved? I guess I would hope the answer is "yes" because that's how I'm aspiring to parent.
I see being "well-behaved" as, in some respect, simply kids having the self-control and self-awareness that allow them to treat others around them with respect and courtesy because the kids are not at the mercy of their own impulses and whims. I want my kids to be well-behaved not to be a "shiny happy family" but so that they can treat others well and have the discipline to pursue their own goals and interests.
I'd love to hear your thoughts/pushback on all of this. Thanks for the interesting post.
I'm sorry it's taken me a bit to reply. I was actually quite ill when your comment came through! I agree with you that well-behaved kids are not a problem. There is, however, a mold that our society casts that is very difficult for some children to fit, and if you have or with with one of those kids, it can be difficult not to get sucked into trying them to behave rather than working to identify what they are struggling with and helping them build those skills. For example, but interrupting others is incredibly challenging for a child who lacks impulse control. Society expects that most kids master this by a certain age because most kids develop impulse control by a certain age. But not all. And those kids get marked as disruptive. It is very frequently viewed as a behavior issue. I hope that helps clarify. I absolutely believe in teaching children kindness and helping them develop the skills they need to function it in the world, but framing it as behavior and misbehavior misses the mark.
I really appreciate the clarification. I definitely understand your point that there are many kids who don't "behave well" because they don't have the skills, not because they are choosing to "misbehave." I think as a society we're still trying to find a balance between, as parents, helping to hold high expectations for kids and equipping them with the skills they need vs. accepting kids' limitations and being gracious with them and with each other as parents.
Interesting that your response came today as I just published a newsletter this week all about realizing that I was probably holding one of my kids to unrealistic expectations because of the nature of their disability. Here's the link: https://notjustmyown.substack.com/p/why-cant-you-just-stop?r=1ezccm
It was vulnerable to write and share but I'd be very curious to hear your thoughts as it seems you've thought deeply about this.
Had a discussion with my fellow HSP parents last night, and this was a WHOLE MOOD. As highly sensitive parents, we are complicated beings -- we can be deeply kind when we're resourced, or deeply frustrated and frustrating when we're not. At the same time, we seek to smooth out our children's experiences, sometimes in ways that aren't all that helpful to their development, because we struggle with their tantrums, and with other people's reactions to them. It's quite a tangle. But every word of this resonated. To have the courage to allow our children to be like the ocean, we desperately need these timely reminders that we don't have to ride the waves alone. Grateful for this.
I just realized I never responded to this - there's been a lot of sickness in our house lately and sometimes things get lost in the shuffle. But thank you for commenting. I'm so glad my eyes resonated and glad to connect. You're right, it is quite a tangle we find ourselves in. I'm also glad I don't have to ride the waves alone. I value the community I see growing here.
THIS!!!!!
Especially for those of us with sweet and sensitive neurodivergent kids. Our culture's message of being kind only lands on the ears of the most sensitive kids already primed to meet the needs of others and self introspect.
The child who cares for their siblings like a mother. The child who gets a job at 10 and gives their earnings back to the family does not come out of the family better for it. They get eaten alive when they hit adulthood in our narcissist cultivating culture.
Let me very clear, all this does is make them into echoists (people pleasers), who then end up in relationships care taking of the narcissists. They serve narcissistic bosses, spouses, children, while thinking if they do enough internal work to fix themselves it will fix the issues.
Spoiler alert for all of you out there like this, YOU ARE NOT THE ISSUE.
We must allow our most sensitive children to be whom they are naturally supposed to be. This is a key part to finding and reaching their full potential.
My parents think I have done a horrible job because my kids don't seek to serve their emotional needs.
I think my grandparents did a horrible parenting job and then saddled me with their coddled, immature narcissistic grown a** children. I AM DONE WITH THAT. I did more than my fair share of serving up. I learned my lesson and it is I am not passing that down.
YES. This dynamic is so prevalent. Sensitive kids are prone to people pleasing (at least in this cultural landscape), and much of mainstream parenting and schooling just reinforce this. I'm right there with you, working to disrupt that pattern.